Gore's First 100 Days

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

There are a few minor glitches on Inauguration Day as inclement weather scuttles the new President's plan to ride in a solar-powered limousine and interior decorators protest his plans to install hemp drapes in the Oval Office. But Albert Gore Jr. has finally achieved the office for which he has been groomed all his life. Gone is the awkward campaigner. In his place is the relaxed, witty man who aides and family members always insisted was the "real" Al Gore.

"Look, everybody. I'm sitting in the POTUS position!"

"Oh, Al, you're too much!"

"Daddy, stop!"

For the new President, it's as if a great burden has been lifted.

"Sir, you've got to come down."

"No, I don't! I'm the President! You hear that, Washington? I'm finally the PRESIDENT!!! Bill Clinton can kiss my ___."

"Sir, please. The homeless people across the street are complaining."

Pundits aren't sure what to make of Gore's first address to Congress...

"O.K., let's talk about the economy. We've had nine straight years of economic growth, and now we're supposed to get upset because the Dow dips below 10,000 and some kids lose their Internet jobs and their bottomless mochacinos? Hasn't anyone ever heard the phrase business cycle? I mean, Hello? What do you people want from me?"

Aides had expected President Gore to immerse himself in policy minutiae, but his domestic agenda seems largely confined to handing out White House souvenirs and flying around the country on Air Force One.

"Sir, President Jiang is on the phone again. I think it's about the spy plane."

"Tell him I'm in a meeting...Now listen, I want you to fly gun the engines."

The new President's approval ratings begin to creep downward...

"Deputy White House press secretary Joe Conason today denied rumors that President Gore is growing a beard. In fact, sources tell ABC News that the President, quote, just didn't feel like shaving this week."

"I think he's still got a lot of unresolved anger."

"I miss the old Gore. He was boring and spooky at the same time. That's hard to pull off."

Meanwhile...

"So, Bob, I hear Viagra isn't just for octoroonians anymore."

"No, no, no! The word is octogenarians."