How to Outfox Saddam

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

What to do about Saddam Hussein? scenario no. 1: we pre-emptively invade Iraq (as administration hawks suggest), alienate all our allies, radicalize the entire Middle East, hopelessly complicate the fight against al-Qaeda and render ourselves international pariahs.

It's Kim Jong Il from North Korea. He's calling to say he feels your pain.

Ha ha, Colin. Very funny. You've made your point.

Is there an alternative more consistent with our national ideals? scenario no. 2: first, we actually make friends with Saddam. (but only for pretend.)

Now that we have bonded, I can tell you the truth: I would never have invaded Kuwait if I had realized what a big hard-ass your father is.

Like I don't know. Try totaling your Mustang at Yale sometime.

Next, we shower the iraqis with foreign aid so they can rebuild their economy by hiring only the most qualified American companies.

Nothing like a good market solution!

And how!

Americans are then asked to buy lots of cheap Iraqi oil and drive suvs hundreds of miles a day. (this is the best part of the plan since it's precisely the kind of sacrifice Americans are willing to make.)

Don't forget to top it off, Jimmy!

And don't YOU forget that you can't spell "very fuel efficient" without E, V, I and L!

Finally we spring our trap: global warming gets much worse, the polar ice caps melt and Iraq's weapons of mass destruction are rendered inoperable due to water damage.

I'm afraid our entire stockpile of enriched uranium has mildewed.

ARGGH! It's those damn Bushes again!

As with any plan, of course, there are still a few bugs to be worked out.

What do you think, Mr. President?

Well, I like the parts about SUVs and mildew. But I feel like it's missing, I dunno--maybe a tax cut?

Asleep at the wheel, Rummy? I mean, DUH!