Patching It Up

By Laura Koss-Feder

The two women had been college pals. One was maid of honor at the other's wedding. They stayed close for 25 years. Then, seven years ago, they had a fight--one accused the other of improperly appropriating a business idea to use in her own company--and they stopped speaking. Recently, one of them, Gail Blanke, 56, concluded that the long friendship ultimately meant more to her than the argument. Blanke telephoned her friend and told her how important she was. The friendship instantly resumed. Even though the two live in different states, today they keep in touch on a regular basis and know everything that is going on in each other's lives. "You realize as you get older that a good relationship with so much history means much more than trying to prove you're right," says Blanke, CEO of Life Designs Inc., a career-and life-consulting company in New York City. "And I feel so much better now that we're close again."

For baby boomers like Blanke, thinking ahead to their golden years while also yearning to reconnect with their past, the desire to make up with good friends or family members they have feuded with may be stronger than ever. "The terrible events of 9/11 and all the feelings they have stirred up have made people want to reach out more to loved ones they've been apart from, especially since they don't know what may happen tomorrow," says Ellen Gussaroff, a New York City psychotherapist.

Jan Goldstoff, 57, president of Jan Goldstoff Public Relations in New York City, says she nearly fainted when a close friend and colleague of six years with whom she had had a falling-out over a client they both wanted was the first person to call her on Sept. 11, 2001. "We didn't talk about the past or rehash anything--she just wanted to know that I was o.k. and not in any danger," Goldstoff says. "Today we talk once or twice a week, and we are better friends than ever."

If facing one's mortality in an uncertain world isn't enough of an incentive, there are tangible health benefits to reconciling in the boomer years. Forgiving someone who was once important in your life can reduce your level of stress 15% to 20%, according to Frederic Luskin, senior fellow at the Stanford University Center on Conflict and Negotiation and author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription For Health and Happiness (HarperSanFrancisco). "Forgiveness is a form of resilience that reduces the wear and tear on the body and can lead to better health and better quality of life," Luskin says.

How do you know when is the right moment to reconcile? If an estrangement you experienced years ago starts occupying your thoughts persistently and interfering with your daily activities, it is time to initiate contact, says Naomi Drew, an author of four books on conflict resolution who is based in Lawrenceville, N.J. "Start the process of reaching out by venting all of your anger about this person in a letter to yourself," Drew says. "Write down all the nasty, disgusting stuff and tear the letter into a million pieces or burn it."

Luskin advises focusing on how you will benefit from forgiving someone and having him or her back in your life. Make contact with the firm resolve to avoid placing blame or continuing the argument. Drew recommends e-mail, since it is easy and nonthreatening. If you get a positive response, move to phone conversations and getting together in person in a neutral place. Before you see each other, rehearse what you will say, Drew adds. Advises Houston psychotherapist Sarna Sunshine: "As you plan to meet each other again, try to remember that the grievance that may once have seemed so severe may not be that terrible after all."

Finally, be willing to listen to what the other person has to say, and keep an open mind regarding his or her feelings and point of view. says J. Scott Hinkle, a family therapist in Greensboro, N.C.: "Tell this individual how much he or she really meant to you when you do get in touch and that you see the other side of the argument." That is what Blanke did. "I told my friend that I understood why she felt the way she did. But we didn't try to analyze it beyond that, and the anger basically dissolved."

All this can be harder with family members than with friends. "With family, there are all the irrational elements of childhood and years of history that make reaching out after years of not communicating more complicated and difficult," says psychotherapist Gussaroff. "Often, though, a major life change or personal crisis can help bring family together."

For Fran Morgan, 58, who had not spoken to her daughter Ginger, 38, for nearly 15 years, it was the chance to help her child out of a financial bind that brought them back together. They stopped talking when Ginger, at age 15, moved in with her father after her parents' divorce. "My mom was an alcoholic at the time, and we just never got along," Ginger says. But Ginger, at 29, found herself alone in Dallas, unemployed, nearly broke and almost suicidal. To her surprise, the one person from whom she wanted help was her mother. She asked Fran to lend her money. Fran, now sober, suggested that her daughter move in with her in Houston. They fought at first, but with the help of a psychotherapist, they slowly began rebuilding their rocky relationship. "I had to examine my own behavior and admit the mistakes that I made along the way," Fran says. "I'm very careful not to do anything that would remind Ginger of the past and the tough times we had."

Though mother and daughter now live separately, they not only get together for movies, lunches and shopping jaunts but also work side by side in Fran's copy-machine company in Houston. "Our relationship is stronger than I ever dreamed it could be, which means so much to me at this point in my life," Fran says. "We've become more than just mother and daughter; we're actually really good friends."

And that's what healing old wounds is all about.