Sure Beats Working

By Joel Stein

One reason politicians seem so dorky is that other than the filibuster, there aren't any cool parliamentary procedures. But the ultimate move--the one that's making Aaron Sorkin even more upset that he won't be writing The West Wing next season--is to halt a vote by hightailing it out of town and then evading the cops looking to drag you back. It's always a ratings grabber, like when some Republicans in the U.S. Senate locked themselves in their offices to quash a vote on a campaign-finance-reform bill in 1988, causing a sergeant at arms to carry Bob Packwood feetfirst to the Senate floor (after determining that Lowell Weicker was too heavy). The stunt pulled by Democrats in the Texas legislature last week was to avoid a vote on redistricting the state to create more Republican members of Congress.

It started two weeks ago, when House majority whip Tom DeLay came home to Texas to stir up trouble. DeLay saw a chance to boost the Republican majority in Congress by redrawing the congressional districts to give the Texas Republicans a 22-to-10 advantage. The Republicans drew some funny lines, like the ones dividing Austin into four districts, one of them connecting the capital to the border of Mexico 300 miles away. Though redistricting is usually done only after a Census, DeLay had a pretty good rationale for wanting one, since Republi-cans beat the daylights out of the Dems in Texas in the last statehouse elections yet had two fewer U.S. Reps for the state.

Faced with a further erosion of their party's power, 51 of the state's 62 Democratic lawmakers packed their toothbrushes and at least one acoustic guitar last Sunday and ran away. Without a minimum of two-thirds of the 150 legislators in their seats, a vote can't be held, but a house rule allows the speaker to order the arrest of members trying to thwart a quorum and force them back to their seats. So, like Jesse James heading for the Oklahoma hills to evade Texas Rangers, the Dems waited until the cover of night, then met in small groups at an Embassy Suites parking lot in Austin. With secrecy so tight that only the group leaders knew where they were going, the Democrats sneaked off, over the state border to the safety of Ardmore, Okla., 300 miles away. Sure, they could have gone to Mexico, but they wanted to show they were serious. Being in Oklahoma is like self-flagellation for a Texan.

Only one member was nabbed by Johnny Law, outside her house. And several African-American Democrats chose to go to work, in part because the Republican plans would have created more black districts. In the end, 51 rebels checked into a Holiday Inn, where they were booked two to a room. Monday morning they went to the Denny's attached to the hotel to work on strategy while fortifying themselves with Moons over My Hammy (ham, cheese and scrambled-egg sandwiches). At 3 a.m., the Democrats were awakened and brought down to the Holiday Inn basement, where they camped out with the media because of tornado warnings.

On Tuesday, the 51 Democrats secured a conference room just across from the hotel's Gushers Lounge, where the national media would later enjoy karaoke night. The meeting room was filled with flower arrangements, cookie baskets, balloons, pizza and of course barbecue, all sent by Democrats from around the country. By the next day, the renegade Democrats had drafted a statement signed by not only the 51 but also a 52nd member, from an undisclosed location. Perhaps a nicer hotel.

Back in Austin, bored Republicans spread out in the chamber with their feet on the antique furniture. Two of them brought their mitts and played a pretty impressive game of catch. There was also a Texas-size paper-wad fight. They designed milk-carton boxes with the faces of missing Democrats, created a WANTED poster with shots of the rebels, established a toll-free number for information on their whereabouts and made a deck of Iraq-inspired playing cards with pictures of the Democrats on them. They even used the state's public-safety website to run an all-points bulletin, a move the Democrats found offensive. Democrats got much more upset--Joe Lieberman asked for an investigation--by reports that Texas officials had asked the feds to help track lawmaker Pete Laney's plane. Outside the statehouse, Republican supporters dressed in chicken outfits accused the Dems of cowardice. On Wednesday, Republicans, unable to think of any new jokes, went home.

Poolside at the Holiday Inn, things weren't much more exciting until a package arrived from Willie Nelson. Along with a note saying "Stand your ground," he sent red bandannas, T shirts and--sources tell TIME--Willie Nelson whiskey. The Dems then broke into a campfire-style sing-along of Merle Haggard's Okie from Muskogee from a second-floor balcony. A good time was had by all. At a press briefing that evening, legislator Jim McReynolds said, "We have not heard from Governor [Rick] Perry or Speaker [Tom] Craddick, but we have heard from the most powerful Texan of all, Willie Nelson."

The Democrats planned to head back to Austin at midnight on Thursday, the deadline for a preliminary vote on house bills. But a tornado warning scrambled their plans, and they boarded two luxury buses (smoking and non) at 10:40 p.m. As the buses fought fierce winds and rain, the Democrats watched Gladiator (nonsmoking bus) and The Fugitive (smoking bus). After arriving in Austin at 4 a.m., they scrubbed up for a 7 a.m. rally and showed up at their jobs at 9. Though they were met with some boos from the gallery and a lot of female Republicans dressed in fighting G.O.P. red, the wayward Democrats did get some hugs from their colleagues across the aisle. While Tom DeLay may be disappointed that his power grab seems to have failed, he has got to be happy that he forced Democrats to bunk two to a room at an Oklahoma Holiday Inn. --Reported by Hilary Hylton/Ardmore

With reporting by Hilary Hylton/Ardmore