Your Summer of 2003 IQ Test

By Bruce McCall

Trouble overseas, forest fires out West, tornadoes down South and rain, rain and more rain in the East--not to mention Sammy Sosa's corked bat, Bob Hope's demise, a power blackout and Larry Flynt's hat in the political ring. And oh yes, Ben and J. Lo. It wasn't exactly a season to remember. In fact, the crummy summer of 2003 has been so forgettable that you will need this special test to stay sharp on the details.

I. INSTRUCTIONS

Do not use pencil or pen. Mention of Gigli will void your test. Given the kind of summer it has been, you will probably score badly, spill motor oil all over this form and/or lose it in the confusion of your house collapsing.

II. INFORMATION RETENTION

True or false: this was the summer that ...

1. Canada legalized ( A ) kidnapping babies. ( B ) topless hockey. ( C ) removal of mattress tags without penalty.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger ( A ) failed to make the cut as a member of his California gubernatorial campaign's brain trust. ( B ) abandoned his effort at giving speeches in a Kennedy accent. ( C ) decided, now that it was serious, to take acting lessons.

3. Hillary Clinton ( A ) launched a new line of high-fashion brass knuckles. ( B ) embarked on a fact-finding trip to New York. ( C ) finally released her ghostwriters from the cellar.

4. North Korea ( A ) went on Ritalin. ( B ) proposed Idi Amin for a posthumous Nobel Prize. ( C ) fired its longtime p.r. firm.

III. LOGIC

Complete this thought: Now that President Bush has announced that the White House will be his vacation home and his Texas ranch his Administration's executive headquarters, _________________________________.

IV. CREATIVITY

A. The upcoming spin-off of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, to be called Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, will be cast with an FBI agent, a lumberjack, an NFL linebacker and a _______________________________.

B. It became obvious this summer that Tony Blair is no longer the dark-horse 2004 Republican presidential candidate because _____________________________.

C. A toss of the coin decided that Tiger Woods beat out Roseanne for a regular slot on Hollywood Squares, but Paula Zahn ________________________.

D. The East Coast-Midwest power blackout in August almost woke President Bush from his ____________.

V. REASONING POWER

What is right or wrong with the following statements?

A. "I'm a Sheepowitz in Wolfowitz clothing."__________

_____________________________________________.

B. "Don Rumsfeld's face was streaming with tears after he saw Seabiscuit."______________________________.

C. "France."_____________________________________.

VI. MEMORY

In the space provided, draw a picture of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher arguing over Nabokov's translations of Pushkin compared with Edmund Wilson's during a break in deliberations at the International Conference on the Law of the Sea.

VII. VOCABULARY

Fill in the blanks in this sentence: "My fellow _________, they still haven't found Hitler either, but nobody is making ________ about our not finding _______ Laden or ________. Maybe they're on vacation and didn't leave a number. But we got Chemical Ali, Gasoline Ali, Blind Ali, Bowling Ali--one of those folks. And anyway, what about finding Amelia _______? I suppose we're to _____________ for that too?"

This completes the summer of 2003 IQ test. Of course, you have FAILED. Come, come, you didn't really expect any better, did you, after the summer you've had? Reminder: just because we have celebrated Labor Day doesn't mean summer is over. It's going to straggle on until Sept. 21.