Calling It Off

By Pamela Paul

The country club, the photographer and the band had been booked. China and crystal from Macy's, carefully selected. Orders were coming in on the Williams-Sonoma registry. But 18 months into her engagement, Connie Oberle, 31, a corporate lawyer in New York City, decided not to go through with the wedding. "I just knew something wasn't right," Oberle says of her ex-fiance. "We met when we were both ski instructors, and we were great on snow but not when the snow melted."

Although calling it off was painful, the decision was eased by camaraderie. Sitting in a cafe on a trip to Paris, Oberle was joined by her best friend from college, who had got engaged the same month. "So, are you going to go through with it?" her friend inquired. "Are you?" Oberle shot back. They decided to write down their answers on cocktail napkins, and when they read each other's "NO," Oberle called for the waiter: "More wine!"

Shortly thereafter, both women informed their fiances of their intentions. Five years later, Oberle, now married to a different man, isn't surprised that three colleagues at her law firm have canceled impending nuptials in the past year. "When you witness so many of your peers getting divorced--people whose weddings you've been to--it makes you take a step back."

As the first children-of-divorce generation to reach marrying age, today's twenty-and thirtysomethings would much prefer a broken betrothal to a "broken home." Breaking an engagement is difficult, but rather than face it with shame, many almost-unhappily-marrieds see it as a wise, even courageous act. Such "disengaged" individuals have become increasingly visible and vocal. Nobody tracks how many engagements are broken each year, and people in the always-upbeat wedding industry are reluctant to even discuss the issue. However, in an online national poll of 565 single adults conducted in August by Match.com/Zoomerang for TIME, 20% said they had broken off an engagement in the past three years, and 39% said they knew someone else who had done so.

Wedding planners and consultants are noting a trend, and several online and in-store bridal registries have recorded an uptick in disengagements. At Bloomingdale's, would-be brides and grooms often "postpone" their registry rather than attend to the unpleasant errand of canceling. Such postponements are up 15% in the past two years, according to Morgan Childs, Bloomingdale's bridal consultant in New York City. WeddingChannel.com a popular online registry, counted 5% to 10% of its wedding registries "deactivated" last year. Erin Howlett-Avci, a former assistant registry director at Michael C. Fina in New York City, recalls that she found four different lists under the name of a groom who called last year to check his registry. "Oh, sorry!" the unabashed caller exclaimed. "Those other three are my broken engagements."

A timely new book, There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling It Off & Moving On (Jossey-Bass), claims that about 15% of all engagements are called off each year. "This is a growing phenomenon," says co-author Rachel Safier, whose own canceled wedding inspired the book. "I thought I was alone, but people have been coming out of the woodwork. It's just not discussed, because it's clearly not the romantic side of the wedding story."

Seems the veil is coming off. Whether the bride decides she's too young, the bridegroom realizes he's not ready, or both agree they're just not meant to be a couple, the would-be wedded are coming out with their premarital fears and grievances. In chat rooms on--of all places--wedding websites, the topic is fretted over and hotly debated. TheKnot.com the mother-in-law of all wedding sites with more than 2 million visitors a month, includes articles like "Calling It Off: Real Brides, Real Reasons," amid more registry-friendly fare. Message boards on Indiebride.com go by titles like "Runaway Brides" and "Okay, I'm Ready to Ditch." The site's founder, Lori Leibovich, says the subject is among its most popular. "In this day and age, when people are older and often live together beforehand, it's amazing to me how many people get engaged--and then start questioning the decision," Leibovich says.

The reasons behind the trend include the lengthening period of engagement; the vogue for mega-weddings, with their attendant stresses, expenses and complications; and the fear of divorce. The longer the engagement, the more time for disillusionment and the greater the likelihood that the wedding will be called off. A Bride's magazine poll found that the average period of engagement rose from 11 months in 1999 to 16 months in 2002. Sometimes, an engaged couple want to live together to test the relationship (6 in 10 live together before marriage, according to Bride's). By the time they're halfway into an engagement, the couple complain they already feel as if they're married, sometimes for better but often for worse.

Moreover, the hoopla of wedding planning, even if not of Bennifer proportions, often ushers in the jitters. Millie Martini Bratten, editor in chief at Bride's, calls wedding planning "boot camp" for marriage. "You realize that even though you've been living together, you may not have discussed all the fundamentals you need to work out before getting married," she says. "All these questions arise during the planning process that bring up deeper issues: Do we have the same attitudes toward money? How do we face problems? Do we know how to argue and resolve differences?"

When disputes arise during the planning stages and couples realize they can't agree to disagree, they call off the wedding altogether--the wisdom being, better now than later. Wedding planner JoAnn Gregoli says that in 15 years, she has never seen so many cancellations as in the past year--many of them far into the engagement. "Nobody wants to settle," she says. "Women who marry today are older, more educated and more self-sufficient. They would rather go through the ordeal of canceling a wedding than make what could be a huge mistake."

Susan Piver, author of The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" (Putnam), claims the pre-wedding period is "like an incredibly sped-up marriage, with all the emotions, stresses, pressures, hopes and fears," with divorce one of the biggest anxieties. "A lot of engagements are called off because people are afraid of getting divorced," she says.

That's what did it for Mike Santasiero, 33, a publishing production manager. Two of his three siblings were already divorced, scaring him into breaking off his engagement twice--with the same woman. After their first engagement fell apart two years ago, Santasiero thought that he and his fiance had worked out their problems. But once they were engaged again, trouble resurfaced. By February 2003, the couple called it quits for good. "We were having so many fights, I realized if I went through with it, the marriage wouldn't have lasted more than five years," he explains. "People joke around and say, 'So, are you engaged this week?' But it's not funny. I don't think people who haven't gone through it understand the impact."

TV and film audiences are certainly familiar with the concept. The dithering bride at the altar has been a Hollywood staple, from 1934's It Happened One Night to 1999's Runaway Bride. Both Rachel on Friends and Carrie on Sex and the City have returned diamond rings. But while Hollywood finds romantic tension and humor in such scenes, those who have lived through them say the experience entails unrecognized suffering. While it lacks the stigma of divorce, it nonethelss carries more complications and emotional fallout than the standard breakup. Lyn O'Hearn, 26, a travel agent from Lincoln, Neb., says her disengagement left her feeling depressed and guilty. She had dismissed warning signs of trouble as pre-wedding jitters. "When my fiance broke up with me in June, I was in shock." Fear and guilt prey on both parties, no matter who initiates the breakup. Sheryl Paul, a Los Angeles-based "bridal counselor" and author of the forthcoming The Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner (New Harbinger), says that in the past year more clients have approached her with qualms--typically six months before the wedding, when they're "in the midst of freaking out"--and that more than 5% ultimately reverse gears. Says Paul: "To go full force with this public commitment and set up this expectation of a wedding, then turn around and cancel is very difficult. You have to send out cards, make all these phone calls and disappoint your family and friends who've supported you."

But friends and family are also often the best supporters in the aftermath. According to wedding consultant Sharon Naylor, some almost brides are throwing "broken-engagement" showers in lieu of bridal showers, in which guests offer the ex-bride gift certificates for spa treatments and celebrate her independence and courage. When his fiance opted out five weeks before their March 2003 wedding, Michael Manning, 32, a Denver-based marketer, nonetheless held a bachelor party. Friends and family with nonreturnable plane tickets came to a "She Loves Me Not" bowling bash. "What else was I going to do on my wedding night?" he asks. Six months later, Manning considers the entire situation a blessing. "I was pretty bitter at the time, but I know now it was for the best."

Whether or not they celebrate with a substitute party, the ex-engaged are generally eager to move on. When her engagement ended in February, Marie Elena Rigo, 32, a feng shui consultant in Santa Monica, Calif., went through a grieving process. Nonetheless, she can't imagine why people say "I'm sorry" when they hear the news. "It's sad, but there's nothing to be sorry about," she says. "I think if you can find the courage and strength to do this, people should say, 'Congratulations!'"