Vote Oprah in '08!

By Bruce Handy/Glynis Sweeny

What went wrong on Election Day for Democrats? How can the party rebuild itself? Everyone's got ideas.

In hindsight--DEAR GOD! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!-- we clearly relied too much on 527s!

No, the real issue was turnout among Hispanic voters with--AIEEEEE!!!!--two years or less of college!

Proposal: alter Electoral College math by reopening the debate on Southern secession.

Say, fellas, we've been thinking: this whole Union business is frankly kind of presumptuous ...

Caveat: policy may offend African-American voters.

Proposal: turn out more women voters by nominating Oprah Winfrey.

Caveat: Is Stedman really First Gentleman material?

Proposal: bring blue-state "values" to red states.

For just 30-c- you can upgrade that grande Slushee to a Venti!

Caveat: voters may mistake Venti for phony French instead of phony Italian.

Proposal: neutralize gay-marriage issue by also backing gay divorce. Caveat: could be seen as threatening the sanctity of the traditional broken family.

Proposal: help elect a Republican President who stifles the economy, racks up record deficits, plunges the country into an ill-advised foreign war and thereby ensures a generation's worth of Democratic dominance.

(We've got 'em right where we want 'em.)

Caveat: been tried. Doesn't work.