Worst Ideas Of 2004

By Rebecca Winters

NAMING YOUR CHILD APPLE OR PHINNAEUS

Several celebrities christened their newborns with distinctive monikers, from Gwyneth Paltrow's culinary cutie Apple to Helen Hunt's luau-ready Makena Lei to Julia Roberts' retro-inspired twins Phinnaeus and Hazel. What better way to preserve your kid's anonymity? And nothing helps a youngster get along at school like being named after a lunchtime staple.

Speaking, If You're Elton John

From calling Taiwan's press "rude, vile pigs" to accusing Madonna of lip synching, John proved what fans have long suspected: he's sweeter when lyricist Bernie Taupin decides what comes out of his mouth.

SHARING YOUR LOOFAH FETISH

A Fox News producer sued her ex-boss Bill O'Reilly for hounding her for phone sex--and once detailing a fantasy involving a shower accessory. The case was settled, and now the host is sticking to over-sharing on national television.

EVICTING PALE MALE

When a ritzy Manhattan apartment building removed the nest of a red-tailed hawk, Pale Male, and his mate from a window cornice, angry protests ensued. Leading the charge: Mary Tyler Moore, the building's most famous resident. After much squawking, a compromise was reached. The hawks wil be allowed to rebuild. No mortgage necessary.

GIVING OMAROSA A SHOT AT A JOB

We're not sure whether it was the duplicity or the diva trips that got abrasive go-getter Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth fired from the first season of The Apprentice. But she has already proved a master at her next task-- self-promotion.

Ignoring Ghosts

Maybe when Bernard Kerik decided to try for the Homeland Security czarship, he figured, "What's the worst that could happen?" How 'bout everything you've ever done wrong appearing on the news, for one?

INVITING ASHLEE SIMPSON ONTO LIVE TV

When the teen pop star--marketed as the edgier little sister of blond confection Jessica--got caught lip synching on Saturday Night Live in October, she danced an impromptu hoedown before scurrying offstage and then attributed her need for prerecorded help to acid reflux. That's funny. We assumed SNL executive producer Lorne Michaels would be the one gulping down antacids.

TOSSING A CUP AT RON ARTEST

The Nov. 19 brawl at the Detroit Pistons-- Indiana Pacers game resulted in criminal charges against seven fans and five players, including Pacers forward Artest. The free-for-all, which started when a fan hurled a cup of ice at Artest and he charged the stands, inspired some soul searching about the sorry state of sportsmanship in the U.S. today. And it also taught us not to throw things at tall people with a history of anger-management issues.

Being the First to Wed Britney Spears

Just 55 hours after Spears wed childhood pal Jason Alexander, the union was annulled. But it worked out for both. Spears was free to marry again--in nine months--and Alexander was free to work the "former Mr. Spears" angle at every nightclub in Louisiana.