Hello, May I Speak with a Human?

By Patricia Marx

Thank you for calling. To get you the help you need as fast as possible, we need to know why you called. Please say one of the following key words: 1) "weasel" if you were hoping we wouldn't be home, so that you could leave a message and get credit for calling; 2) "bored" if you are stuck in traffic and have time to waste but none of your friends you really want to talk to are home; 3) "lawn mower" if we borrowed something of yours, never returned it, and you want it back; 6) "whoops" if you have the wrong number. To better serve you, we have eliminated the numbers 4 and 5 from our menu options.

Is this some kind of joke? What's with your machine?

Did you say, "I know how to cook coq au vin"? If this is correct, say yes.

What I said was, I ... WOULD ... LIKE ... TO ... TALK ... TO ... YOU. It's IM-POR-TANT.

Please note that at any time during this message, you may press the pound key to stay on the line until Ajit finishes his orangeade.

Ajit? Who's Ajit? Mom? Are you there?

Be advised that you may experience significant delays due to the high volume of calls about you and your "problem." Please stay on the line. Your call is very important to us, especially to Ajit.

Would you please stop talking about Ajit? Can I talk to either Mom or Dad NOW!?

That is not a valid response. Press 1 to rectify.

I need you to send me my pillow. They don't sell good pillows in New York City. And, by the way, tell Mindy if she goes into my room again and steals my sunglasses, I'm going to ... do something.

I'm sorry, but we do not fly to Tucson. Please choose any button on your touch-tone telephone if you would like to fly to Tulsa. If you have a rotary phone, what's a rotary phone?

I thought you guys said you were staying home tonight because of your book club.

In order to route your call correctly, please state your user name.

Rachel. As in your eldest daughter. Red hair. You visited her last week in her new apartment in New York City

that she just moved into. Ring a bell?

I'm sorry, but we will need more information to complete this request. Please say or enter everything you know.

I'm not laughing ...

I'm sorry, but I do not understand the Catalan dialect. Please say yes if you would like to learn the other one for as little as $19.95 a month.

I need my pillow!

Please say or think the letter J.

I can't sleep without it. Do you even care?

For your convenience, we now accept money acquired by nonlegal means.

I know I have the right number. I used speed dial. So come on, pick up!

This call may be monitored for our amusement.

If you just send me my pillow, I promise it'll be the absolute last thing I ever ask for. I know I said this before, but this time I really, really mean it. And as long as you're going to the post office, could you send me some Redken hair conditioner?

To improve the quality of our service, the senior ladies of the Trans-Total Technical Support office are allowed to wear cutoffs.

This is some immature prank of Mindy's, isn't it?

We'd like to thank you for confirming your purchase of the Mr. Smokey Outdoor Grilling Station with removable tray for cutting and serving meat. Congratulations! Say yes if you would like to hear about the bonus monogrammed brander, yours when you become a Mr. Smokey member.

What does a person do to get different parents?

Thank you for choosing us. My name is Ajit. How may I help you today?

Ajit?! This is Ajit? Are you at my parents' house, Ajit?

I am in New Delhi.

New Delhi?

At a call center.

My parents outsource their calls now?!

Not all of their calls.

Wow ... They have nice pillows in India, don't they? Ajit, do you think you could ...