We're Divorced. No, Really

By Francine Russo

Los Angeles photographer Mieke Kramer, 34, remained exceptionally good friends with her ex-husband after their divorce in 1998. When he picked up their son and daughter on weekends, the two would hug. She called him often--for advice about work, for comfort when she was upset. They even worked together on free-lance projects. Sometimes the men Kramer dated looked askance at this closeness, but she didn't feel there was a problem until three years ago when she started seeing copywriter Jim Tavares, 35. "Emotionally, you have him," Tavares told her. "You don't need another partner." Kramer disagreed at first. Then she realized he had a point.

For most divorced couples, achieving an amicable, open relationship after the breakup is a much longed-for ideal. Research--and common sense--indicates that children fare better when a divorce is free of acrimony. But if the former couple remain friends for the wrong reasons--emotional dependence or fantasy, for example--they court serious complications that include derailing new relationships and confusing their kids. The problem, say psychologists, is not unusual, especially when children are in the picture.

Tavares, now Kramer's live-in fiance, treated her ex respectfully as the father of his stepkids-to-be. He also fought to wean his new love from her dependence on her ex's approval. "If you're in a serious relationship," Tavares explains, "you feel you should be the go-to person with good news to share or a problem to solve." With Kramer, that often didn't happen, but he stayed the course because he understood that the divorce had made her fearful of being hurt. "If you're hanging on to your little piece of driftwood and you have to risk letting go to swim to a sturdy boat 20 yards away, it can be scary to let go."

Kramer agrees that her ex was continuing to meet many of her emotional needs and that she was leery of redirecting those needs to someone new. "I didn't need to make myself naked and vulnerable to get certain things," she says. Now planning their wedding, the new couple feel comfortable spending holidays and good times with her ex, his new girlfriend and the kids. The friendliness, they say, was not the problem; the attachment was.

Divorce experts see many couples struggle with this tricky balance. The dilemma often arises because the co-parenting relationship remains after the marital relationship is gone. "You can accidentally slide one set of needs into the other," says Carol Kauffman, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School. Frequently, she says, ex-spouses hang on more than they should because they fear dating again and are not ready to mourn the lost marriage. "The danger is creating a phantom relationship. Like a phantom limb, it itches, it tingles, but it won't hold you up."

Diane, 39, a business executive in Boston (who doesn't want to upset her ex by using her last name), thinks it's ironic that several men have broken off relationships with her because she is "very civil" to her ex, a man she describes as a "decent human being who is my son's father." The two e-mail or call each other almost every day, discussing their son and also chatting about their doings, family and friends.

Sounds like a win-win situation. But after five years apart, Diane says, neither she nor her ex has had a serious relationship. "Most men my age," she explains, "don't want to date single moms."

Perhaps. But Harvard's Kauffman wonders if something else might be at work. If new romantic interests repeatedly tell you that you're not emotionally available to them, Kauffman advises, "it pays to ask yourself some hard questions."

Many experts believe that a clear separation immediately after the divorce provides a better foundation for healthy relations over the long term. "Sometimes it's necessary to keep contact minimal while you process the divorce and move on," says Courtney Knowles, a spokesman for the Equality in Marriage Institute. Clear boundaries, authorities agree, are critical. Be friendly, they say, but not friends.

One of the hardest demarcations for exes to negotiate is how to share the joys of parenthood. It's great when divorced parents can both attend the school play or the soccer tournament, says Lauren Solotar, chief psychologist at the May Institute in Norwood, Mass., "as long as they don't exclude their new partners." Calling your ex flush from a child's triumph, she explains, is the kind of intimate thing you do when you're married. You should be calling your current partner first.

Sally Bjornsen, author of The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife, learned that lesson firsthand. Early in her marriage, she envied the bond her husband and his ex-wife felt over their children. "It took a couple of years before he really shared his kids with me," she says. Divorced husbands and wives sometimes are so close that it confuses their children. "If the kids perceive a certain level of intimacy between their parents," Solotar warns, "they'll try to foster it, and if they imagine their parents will get back together, they may not invest in a new stepparent." To avoid feeding children's fantasies, experts recommend that parents adhere to firm rules about communicating. Barring emergencies or urgent business, they should limit their chats to co-parenting issues, says Jennifer Coleman, a counselor at Rosen Divorce in Raleigh, N.C. She recommends a once-a-week discussion at a set time.

Socializing with an ex is a relatively new and not well-researched cultural frontier. Writer Lisa Cohn, 48, and psychologist Bill Merkel, 60, partners for 10 years in Portland, Ore., and co-authors of One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies, have struggled with this terrain because both have children from previous marriages and warm relations with their ex-spouses. Their annual Christmas party includes both exes and all their kids. Their first party, seven years ago, occasioned moments of tension and jealousy among the adults and confusion among the children, but Cohn and Merkel considered it a success. Most important, they say, is that every adult committed to be there and tried to make it work. That sense of unity among the adults relaxed the children and made later encounters between exes less stressful.

No solution is perfect when dealing with the fallout from divorce, but experts suggest a few tests. If there are children, look carefully at how they are doing. "If the parents are getting close," says Solotar, "and the kids are acting out more, that's valuable information." Look also for difficulty forming new attachments. Such signs can provide essential clues as to whether you have truly moved on.