The Swing Voter
By Joel Stein
The most important demographic for Barack Obama in November might be old Jews in Florida, and the most important old Jew in Florida is my grandmother. That's because, at least in 2000, Mama Ann voted twice: once normally and once when she sneaked into a booth to help a friend who couldn't see well and she punched the ballot for Al Gore. At least she thinks it was Gore.
Obama, who has appointed a Jewish vote director in Florida and visited a temple in Boca Raton, has good reason to court old Florida Jews. They make up a significant portion of the voters in a key swing state, will go to the polls for absolutely anything and are a reliably liberal base that is just not into him. He wronged them by beating Hillary Clinton, whom they loved because she's feisty and tough, like a fifth Golden Girl. But it's also because he's young, seen as dovish on Israel and black, which is not the old Jews' favorite minority. If he were an old Asian guy who knew Krav Maga, he'd take Pompano in a landslide. I think I've just pitched the plot to The Karate Kid V.
To figure out how to woo Mama Ann, a lifelong liberal in Fort Lauderdale who has been leaning toward John McCain, I called Tennessee's Jewish U.S. Representative Steve Cohen, an early Obama supporter. Cohen's first suggestion was to appeal to the classic Jewish-grandmother soft spots by telling her what terrific schools Obama went to and that he's a lawyer. Then Cohen started working on the commonalities between Obama and Mama Ann. "Barack grew up in Hawaii," Cohen said. "They have lots of beaches." If Cohen really thinks Mama Ann has left her condo to go to the beach in the past 20 years, he clearly hasn't spent any time with old Jews in Florida. Because Jews have been targeted with anti-Obama e-mails, he thought Mama Ann might believe false rumors that Obama is a Muslim. Again, if Cohen thinks Mama Ann is using a computer, he needs to get to Fort Lauderdale more often.
Armed with these powerful arguments, I called Mama Ann and asked her to explain her concerns about Obama. "First, the man hasn't got the experience," she said. "I also think he's a Muslim." When I tried to convince her that he's a Christian, she said, "There are good Muslims and bad Muslims--that I have to admit. Just like there are good and bad Jews." When I cautiously reminded her that Obama goes to church, which I know she's well aware of, she still wasn't convinced. "I think he is. He went to Muslim schools." I was so glad I never told her about the Zen Buddhism course I took in college. I asked Mama Ann if perhaps her problem is that Obama is African American, but she told me I was wrong, even when I accused her of being unhappy with the recent influx of blacks into her area. "No. This was their place first. They could take the hot weather. And some of them went far in this world. They're not lazy."
I tried to push the Harvard Law thing, but she already knew all that. "I know he's smart. I don't think he's a dummy like Bush," she said. And Obama's perceived dovishness on Israel didn't concern her. If anything, she found McCain's foreign policy too aggressive.
As I sensed Mama Ann was changing her mind for no good reason, I started to wonder what my good reasons for supporting Obama were. Did I really think that he'd get us out of Iraq all that much faster, that he could actually deliver health care to everyone or that he'd erase the anger between the parties and races? This is a guy, after all, who is no better than I am at stopping his grandmother from saying racist things. Sure, I like that Obama makes people feel optimistic and willing to give, but if I really liked that, I'd have a better attitude toward Scientologists. The truth is, I like Obama because he's young and eats arugula and knows who Ludacris is. Because he's the closest thing to the person I'd really like to vote for: me.
Feeling pretty good about that self-realization, I asked Mama Ann if I had persuaded her to vote for Obama. "Yeah," she said. I was elated, until she added, "I'm fine. I have to go for blood work again. They keep me waiting for an hour. I'm all sunburned like a berry. I get in the water, and I forget to get out. I get in conversations."
I rephrased my question, this time much more loudly. "Yeah," she said. I cautiously asked why. "You gave me his good qualities. You ought to run for something as a politician." That's when I realized Obama's Florida strategy should be based on the fact that a Jewish grandchild is never wrong. He needs to set up phone banks where kids call their grandparents, say they're for Obama and just talk nonsense, as I did. Even if it doesn't work, would it have killed them to pick up the phone?